Having honest conversations

If you’ve ever had an argument, you’ll know how hard it is to change people’s minds. How often do you hear, mid-argument, “actually, I hadn’t thought of it like that before. Maybe you’re right”?

Some of this is certainly tied to the notion of saving face. It is not always easy to defend a position and then let go of it mid-conversation.

However, there is a common misconception about how people form opinions. Most of our decisions and opinions are not the consequence of mature reflection and a cool cost-benefit analysis. Generally, we form opinions based on a gut feeling and then perform a post-hoc rationalization to justify our position. Everyone does this, and it has nothing to do with intelligence or level of education. In fact, studies show that more educated people are simply better at seeking out confirmatory data and are more likely to double-down on opinions.

Furthermore, the more the idea is tied to your identity – your sense of self – the less likely you are to change your mind, whereas we are very quick to accept things we already believe. This is sometimes called “motivated skepticism”.

If someone reasonably reliable tells you, for example, that the banana is actually a herb and not a fruit, you might be initially taken aback. You might even check the taxonomy if you are feeling particularly skeptical. But you are unlikely to hang on to your previous position as there is nothing riding on it.

If, on the other hand, someone tells you that raising the minimum wage would be “bad” or “good”, your reaction and your likelihood of changing your mind is far more dependent on your existing political leanings than the strength of the arguments your interlocutor could avail themselves of.

Moreover, another psychological phenomenon – the “backfire effect” – shows that when confronted with something they don’t want to be true, people seek to confirm their existing opinion and if they successfully do this, their belief is generally reinforced.

There may be anthropological causes for this. Evolutionarily speaking, the importance of being part of a tribe – and therefore of preserving the worldview that allows you to identify with that group and not be exiled – was literally a question of life or death. New ideas were dangerous in a very real sense, so our brains evolved to repel “hostile” ideas that challenge our cherished beliefs as strongly as if they were putting our physical integrity at risk.

This reality brings new meaning to the Oscar Wilde quote “an idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.”

For millions of years, this wasn’t too problematic as we stayed within the confines of our family or tribe. However, this model of society has almost completely disappeared in the west. Throw in the abundance of information that we now have access to through (conventional and social) media it is no surprise that western societies are more polarized than ever.

So what can we do? Not much, it seems. The meat computers we call our brains appear ill-equipped to deal with conflicting ideas. Throughout his work Nietzsche argues that what philosophers call “truth” is more likely to be what they want to be true rather than what is objective fact. As early as the 1880s, Nietzsche had realised that people are not neutral truth seekers, but are instead influenced by their own psychological makeup and cultural environment. But by at least being aware of this weakness, we can try not to reject new ideas out of hand, especially if they seem to come from a reliable source (i.e. not a troll).

By doing this, you realize that on the big issues – religion, politics, economics (or death and taxes as Benjamin Franklin would say) – there is often no right or wrong answer (or that the answer eludes us for now) because the questions are so complex.

Most people ultimately want the same thing: To live happy, productive lives, and build a better society. We just have different conceptions of what that society should look like and how to build it.

Until we figure that out, can’t we all just get along?